School Days

For four years now, I have walked by crying mothers in hallways on the first day of school. Outside of the kindergarten class last year, a woman was sobbing so loudly into her husband’s arms that I could hear her even as I turned the corner and walked into the first grade classroom. At Lucy’s school, a group of mothers gathered outside the school to consol each other. I wondered if I could eek out one little tear. I cry at the Olympics, movies, even commercials! Surely I could manage some waterworks for my little daughters heading off to school.

The truth is (dare I say it?) the first day of school usually finds me… happy. I love my daughters. I love spending time with them and love that the summer finds us with lazy afternoons where we can all head to the pool or the park and not worry about having to be anywhere at a certain time. But the summer, while wonderful, can also be exhausting. As a summer mom, I’m not just the carpooler, homework helper, and dinner maker. Suddenly I’m the fill-every-minute-of-the-day person who, after the girls have spent a morning painting a mural, playing in the pool and tree house with their neighbors, and creating a wooden block town for their Littlest Pet Shops across the living room, will inevitably hear, “So, what are we doing today?”

I also know that part of the sorrow outside the classrooms comes from the idea that school represents the passage of time. This of course is a human condition from which none of us are exempt. There are times when the brevity of our lives strikes me so intensely that it takes my breath away - listening to a father giving a toast to his “little girl” at his daughter’s wedding, looking at Evie’s legs stretch across the couch, realizing that my niece and nephew are halfway old enough to go to college. And I am always aware at a birthday, whether mine, Toby’s or the girls, that life is far too short and passing by too quickly. Maybe it’s because my youngest is still home, but for some reason school doesn’t invoke this emotion from me. I am usually too excited about the new grade - this year Lucy will learn to read! And Evie will take acting! - to feel sad about it them getting older. I also think school represents for me the positive aspects of them growing up. I love that Evie can lie in her bed and read to herself now and am enjoying Lucy’s confidence and enthusiasm about heading to a new school this year.

So maybe I’ll surprise myself, but next week when I drop the girls off at school, I don’t expect to need to bring any Kleenex. I’ll probably just bring some money - Noni and I have a date with a cup of coffee and a few hours of quiet.